An Open Letter To The Rolling Stones


Dear Band Members of the Rolling Stones,

Mick, how are you? Keith, how is your health? Charlie, I hope you’re well. Or do you go by Charles as I know many of you British folk do? Ronnie, how’s the hip? Again, is it Ronald, or maybe Mr. Wood? Bill, why aren’t you in the band, slacker?

It has come to my attention that you all will be touring the vast Planet Earth. Being that I broadcast a radio show to the same planet, I figured we at least have that in common. I also found five bucks in my coat pocket the other day, so I suppose we’re all pretty rich too.

Since I live in Denver, Colorado, I couldn’t help but notice that your scheduled tour of the vast Earth isn’t planning a stop in my fair city. I believe that should change, and here’s why:

Mick, there are plenty of young people that won’t know who you are. You may get swarmed by the paparazzi in England, but here in Denver, they like that darn “rap” music too much. Just stay out of the suburbs, because all the old folks will surely recognize you and want photos (from non-digital cameras of course).

Keith, I guarantee you can score some drugs in Denver. I’ve driven by many seedy places, I’m sure you’ll be able to party hardy during your stay. I would also recommend prune juice instead of whiskey at your age, but hey, I’m no doctor.

Charlie (Charles), there are many comfortable places to nap in the Denver metro area. A multitude of hotels at various price ranges are available when you’re feeling tired. Hell, you can even crash at my place, but I hope you don’t mind my dog, Louie. He will probably want to play, but I can entertain him while you sleep. I can even show you my record collection when you wake up! You’re on one of them by the way.

Ronnie (Mr. Wood), did you know Denver gets 300 days of sunshine a year? All of us Denverites like to brag about that, but only to get people to come visit. If you’re always wearing sleeveless shirts, you’re going to need a solid base tan. You don’t want to burn when you tour sunnier places like California. You can come hang at my place too. I have a backyard that gets plenty of sun. Just let me know in advance that you’re for sure coming and I’ll steal, I mean borrow, a lawn chair from the rich neighbors. Yoink!

Bill, you’re not invited because you’re too much of a slacker. Just kidding, you should definitely come too. I won’t even request any songs on bass!

Of course, there is the issue of compensation, and I’m more than willing to fork over the five bucks I found in my coat pocket, as well as provide my couch and backyard at no additional cost. Then you dudes just have to head to Red Rocks, leave a front row ticket on my coffee table before you go, and wow the Denver crowd. You guys are the greatest touring band around, everybody knows that. Why wouldn’t you want to share your awesomeness with The Mile High City?

I will be anxiously awaiting your reply and thank you for taking the time to review my inquiry.


Alex & The Rock Renaissance Family

PS: Keith, you could mix prune juice and whiskey to get the best of both worlds. I just thought of that.

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